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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise announcement delivered during a speech that reportedly began about infrastructure and slowly wandered into golf handicaps, President Donald Trump revealed plans Thursday to rename the historic Lincoln Memorial the “Lincoln Trump Memorial,” calling the move “a very natural branding decision, maybe the best.”

Standing before the towering statue of Abraham Lincoln, which witnesses said appeared “emotionally unchanged but spiritually confused,” Trump told reporters the memorial had been “a tremendous success for many years, but frankly, a little outdated.”

“Lincoln was great, very tall, very serious, fantastic president,” Trump said. “But nobody has done more for naming buildings, things, and very important places than me. Nobody. Big historians come up to me, strong people, tears in their eyes, and they say, ‘Sir, Lincoln would be honored. Very honored.’”

Early concept renderings released by the newly formed Department of Patriotic Rebranding show only modest changes to the monument, including a slightly shinier finish, a longer tie sculpted onto Lincoln’s chest, and a re-engraved inscription reading, “Four score and seven years ago… and now, even better.” Officials also confirmed the famous marble steps may be replaced with a “very elegant, very patriotic escalator” to allow for what one aide described as “strong, cinematic arrivals.”

National Park Service staff, visibly exhausted and holding what appeared to be resignation letters, confirmed Lincoln himself will remain part of the memorial but may receive “minor aesthetic enhancements,” which insiders described as “possibly a light tan and improved posture.”

Historians reacted with a mix of disbelief and cautious academic panic. One Smithsonian expert called the proposal “the first known attempt at cross-era presidential co-branding,” adding, “This is not a sentence I expected to say in my career.”

Tourists visiting the National Mall seemed divided on the announcement. One visitor from Ohio said he came to see history but now felt like he was “walking through a rebranding exercise.” Another admitted that if the escalator reduced stair climbing, he was “open to hearing the pitch.”

When asked whether other monuments could see similar changes, Trump hinted at future projects, including something he called “Mount Rushmore Plus,” described only as “Rushmore, but improved — people have been asking, strongly.”

At press time, construction had not begun, but a large banner reading “COMING SOON: EVEN MORE HISTORIC”had already been draped across the memorial, slightly covering Lincoln’s face.

Lucy Kross
Senior White House Correspondent, The Potomac Post